Monday, December 29, 2014

Not Really Ready?!?!?!?!?

Dating, dating, dating...where should I start? I enjoy this process as much as I enjoy doing laundry. That sounds pretty bad, right? but it's so true. My best friend calls me a "lazy" dater. I like meeting people through people that I already know. She calls it lazy but I call it playing smart. There are a few crazies out here, so it's always good to meet someone that knows someone that you know. I just can't afford to be in the trunk of a car...#MyFears

Prior to a few months ago it felt as though I was being blocked from the dating pool. I would meet men (not often) and either I wasn't interested in them or they just weren't interested in me. If a man didn't pursue me, I let it go and thanked God for blocking the potential disaster. My prayers to God would usually start with, "I'm ready! Don't you see how much I've grown?" and yes, I have without a doubt grown over the last year. In my eyes, I was ready. Did the past tense give it away??? Yes, I was dating a guy, but...

During my evenings I usually have about 30-40 minutes of quiet time. I use this time to write in my prayer binder, read the bible, and sometimes plan out blog posts. Prior to meeting this guy, I had more than enough time to share with God. But we all know what happens when you meet someone new, that you actually like. We spend hours talking on the phone, going on dates, planning dates, day dreaming about possible future scenarios---Oh don't act like it's just me that plans the future after a few good dates! ;-) We get excited and tell friends "this is So different..."
Oh the joys of meeting new people. My quiet time of 30 minutes went to 10 minutes and then down to "God I promise we will talk tomorrow..." Things were great, except the result of growing my relationship with this man made my time for God less and it moved me away from my desired path. I mean completely off the road, like basically in the bushes... 

I believe that the relationship that is designed for me will strengthen my walk with God and push me closer to Him. It doesn't mean that this man will be a pastor or perfect on his path but we will be on the same page, grow together, and encourage each other to do better on our individual paths. His eyes will "open" when he sees me because it will be God's will. So without giving all the details...this guy isn't my Adam, well at least not at this time. Now, did I come to this conclusion on my own or did God shut the door???? Man, God slammed that door and put double bolts on it.  I tried to go through a backdoor and a cracked window and God just got rid of the entire house. Please know, once God hardens a heart or closes a door, there is no opening it. But the beauty of that is once He softens a heart and opens that door, no one can close it. The door that is meant for me will open and I will be able to just walk in. God sees all and knows all, so yet again He saved me from a potential disaster. Well, that's my spin on it! Let's toast with our half-full glass! 

Every experience is a lesson to learn. I'm not really ready for a relationship at this exact moment, probably in a few weeks though...hehehehe there I go with "Amber's timing!" Seriously, there are a few things that I still need to work on that I thought I handled. I think God allowed this experience to reveal to me that I'm still lacking in some areas. Do I know this for sure...not really. Only God really knows the purpose.

What was most appealing about this new guy is that I actually liked him-in such a short time. Most of the guys I met prior to him were okay, but I immediately knew that I liked him. He had Amber's type written all over him. Which I may need to examine "my type" because I'm not doing such a good job of picking them! Anyway, God knew in order to reveal the things deep inside of me He had to give me a package that would allow me to access those feelings that most guys I date don't really see.  When your feelings aren't really involved and things don't go your way in that situation, who really cares? However, if it's something you want to's a little different. Wouldn't you agree? Your emotions are at risk and you are vulnerable. Once you are vulnerable it changes that situation and you start to see things that are hidden within the walls of your heart.

God allowed this experience to show me that my foundation with Him still has some holes in it. My desire to be closer to God was easily put on the back burner in order to go after an idol of being in a relationship. We serve a jealous God and although He wants us to build our relationships, He doesn't want any of those relationships to come before Him and/or the plans that He created for us. The same way God gives it, He can and will take it away. "Don't believe me just watch..." ;-) Will He take it away for good or just on a different time schedule? That is to be determined.

The unknown is such a scary place and whether dating or meeting someone new, we are placed on a path of unknown. While on this path I have to always remember that God is with me. If He removes something it is because He can see far beyond the immediate desires of my flesh. He sees what I truly desire and not just what my desperate heart longs for. How amazing it is that we serve a God that will deny us things that will do us harm or that isn't His best for us. Don't get me wrong when things go wrong, it sucks! No one wants to have a bad dating experience but after you move away your emotions and the feeling of loneliness, you realize that there is just something much better. Who knows what that much better will look like. Maybe it won't even result in a relationship. That's the unknown and if I allow God to lead me through it, I won't have to be scared of something that is meant for my good. Thank God that we don't have to worry about the little details of our life. We only have to practice obedience, which is probably one of the most difficult things to do!

For those of you wondering, yes I am still dealing with the fun health stuff. It's on the back burner of my mind because I gave it to God. His will shall be done. See how easy it is for me to not worry about that... Why is it so much easier to give God everything else and not my dating life??? If only I could just let go of my desire to "make things happen" in my relationship world, things would be so much easier. Ugh, #thestruggle.

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