Sunday, November 2, 2014

To My Core...

Happy November! It's been a busy October and although I've been trying to stay on top of everything, I have to say more than a few things are falling between the cracks. I hope that things will slow down a bit, so that I can share more of my journey, consistently.

Before posting on my blog I try to draft out a plan, so that I'm not all over the place regarding topics. However, when I find myself in front of my MacBook, the topic usually changes into whatever my most recent experience puts in my heart. With that being said today's post is about my desires...

I try to give God control of everything. Try is the key word. I don't have a type A personality, but sometimes I like to try and be God's little helper :-). Mostly in my personal/relationship life. I know what my relationships look like when I take complete control and Lord knows that I am unable to do that alone. However, it's sometimes difficult to separate my thoughts and desires from God's plan. It's sometimes difficult to hear God. I'm getting better at praying daily over situations, but normally I pray and then react. Each time I react without really knowing what to do, God reminds me--He is in control. Just when I think I know the plan, everything goes in the opposite direction. My prayer to God normally starts off with---I really like this, I'm okay if we stop right here on this one, but above all PLEASE let YOUR will be done. I know what I want, but God will do what I need. When something doesn't work out the way I hope, yes it's disappointing and it might even hurt, but I know that I rather have what is meant for me than what I force to be for me.

I believe that God will always answer our prayers in three ways:

1. Yes
2. Not Yet
3. I have something better in mind

My issue is knowing and accepting the answer that He gives.

I have some pretty strong desires of my heart and if I allowed myself to walk by sight, I would probably give up. I am blessed with an unending line of hope and faith that God will always come through in the end. My life and my lessons are a constant reminder and testimony to how God will never let me fall by myself and He always has a plan to help me get back up. My cup is always half full. Even when I joke around, to my core, I believe that God will deliver on the desires that he places in my heart. However, what if my deepest desires are truly just my thoughts and not necessarily those that God placed?? This is where things get a little scary!

In another post Behind the Scenes I described how strongly I felt that another job opportunity was for me. To my core, I felt as though I was meant to be in another position...but it wasn't until God shut down what I wanted and gave me a different opportunity, that I realized I had no idea what I needed. With relationships I feel to my core that I am meant to be a wife and a mother. It is a feeling that I am unable to shake. I'm okay with waiting for the person that God has for me, but the other day I started to think is this truly the desire that God placed in my heart or is this the desire that Amber created? Could I handle it if God were to just tell me "no" this is not my plan for your life?

Just typing this brings tears to my eyes. My ex-boyfriend's mother asked me this very same question some years ago and I was actually offended that she would say such a not married with at least one child---not an option!!!

We are reminded in Matthew 6:34 that we shouldn't worry about tomorrow, that each day has it's own set of worries. Each day I have to believe what I feel, what is in my gut. Today, I feel that my season will come. If those desires are ever shattered I will have enough Grace from God to deal with those issues when/if they arrive. I give up trying to figure out what God has in store for me, because I'm always completely wrong and that's okay! I will never try to force something. If it is meant for me God will present the opportunity and make it VERY clear for me. With that being said...

I've been dating a lot more these days and I have to say it is my least favorite thing to do. In some of my conversations with God, I've asked for Him to allow me to see things clearly and early. He always delivers. If I had my way I would rather not date anymore because it is such a headache. I know my "Adam" will recognize me when he sees me but I'm so over meeting Tony, Chris, and Harry...hehehehe I'm totally kidding, I know that God continues to fine tune me through these experiences. I will always welcome a lesson to prepare me for what God has in store for me. Through my dating I'm also reminded to not be so selfish...I've been praying a lot for myself within the last month or so...I've allowed myself to be consumed by my own situation. I have to remember to seek first His Kingdom and His Righteousness, and all other things will be given (Matthew 6:33).

It's not just about me and my desires...It always should be more than what is going on in Amber's world.

Until next time...

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