Sunday, July 27, 2014

The Balancing Act

I sometimes consider myself socially awkward. I think people believe I'm outgoing because I smile and laugh a lot. My personality is big and I tend to be bubbly, but oh, if you could read my mind. My default position is to laugh/smile, so even if I'm nervous, awkward, upset, or just uncomfortable, I will laugh before I do anything else. This tends to get me in trouble because no one knows what is really going on in my head. Just a short example, I met a new guy a few years back and he had the absolute worse jokes. He said some things that made me uncomfortable and the first thing I did was laugh. Well, this made him think he was funny and he just kept going. It would have been so much easier for me if I would have just said to him- that's not funny at all or even better- I have to get off the phone now. I didn't want to hurt his feelings and I didn't know the best way to let him know that I'm really not into the conversation, so naturally he just kept going. I really need to set a new default. Anyway, this information leads me to the point of this post...

This weekend was interesting. The weather was awesome yesterday and today, so it was perfect to get out and do some summer social stuff. Although I know I can't control my season of meeting someone, I still like to make sure I'm putting myself out there...I have to tell myself all the time that it is out of my control. The constant struggle is that I still find myself trying to control my situation. I have to just let it go....I digressed this post isn't about dating. What was interesting about this weekend's social gatherings is that I didn't necessarily feel awkward. When I knew I didn't have anything to contribute to a conversation, I smiled, you know, my normal. At one point, I caught the ending of a very interesting conversation and I smiled, nodded, and occasionally laughed. I didn't have much to contribute but when I did---it was "Everyone can make a choice..." Really, Amber?? I'm a woman of many words! :-)

Yes, this is my journey and I want to be a better person, but I don't necessarily want to be the person that can't hang around people outside of a church-like environment. There has to be a way to balance the Amber that can just kind of awkwardly fit in, with the Amber that wants to be better, day by day. I believe I was given this personality for a reason. Could my balance be the smile and laugh? I don't have to challenge someone just because it isn't a lifestyle that I want to lead anymore. Everyone can make their own choices. It isn't my place to judge someone's journey. But what's the balance? Can I start up a conversation by saying "hey, have you checked out Romans 5?" Or "Let's discuss Proverbs?" Any takers? Probably not a good idea in a party atmosphere, it just isn't the right time. During these times, I can just (Amber 2.0). My lifestyle will say more than my words. Now if I'm ever asked my religious beliefs, that is something completely different.

I'm not ashamed to say I had a few drinks and when I was handed more than what I wanted, I just put it down. I knew I reached a limit that I was comfortable with and didn't want to regret anything later. I still threw in my funny lines and maintained my Amber is cool card...No, I don't really have a cool card. :-) However, I think this will be important for me as I move forward and as I participate in something larger than just me and my journey. It will ultimately be for His will.

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